Hello Jon

3 Mar

Hello Jon: Thank you for replying to my post the things you say make perfect since and I believe you are right that you cannot beat anxiety and depression without meds who am I kidding, right? I want to believe it so much but I know there are issues deep down inside my soul that led me to addiction. I cannot blame circumstances anymore so I take full credit for becoming an addict. I am used to blaming every unpleasant incident in my life for me being addicted and the real issues were never addressed I believe they are tucked away in my memory somewhere. When I detoxed off Xanax I had no type of support and I still don’t. I have my two daughters at home and they are my rock but cannot begin to understand what mom is going through. My own mother has been my enabler, she has taken Xanax for over 40 years and is the one who told me I needed to get on them for problems I was experiencing, I thought Mom knows best right? Not in this case, it took me years to realize my Mom enabled me to become an addict with her advice and I also realized my mom did this for her own personal gain, When she would run low on meds she always knew she could come to me and I would help her, then I would run low or run out and I would go to her. I cannot count how many times my Mom has borrowed meds from me with her promise to give them back and then not….I have spent many times in the ER from her antics and I am trying desperately to break free not only from the Xanax but the hold my mom has over me. 

As you probably know I like Billy Idol from my tweets but there is a real reason he is my favorite person, his music kept me sane, When I went to detox I felt like I was dying and I wanted to give up I literally could not swallow this is a withdrawl symptom and it lasted all day and the nurses were not allowed to give me anything because I was detoxing therefore, I walked the halls all day long back and forth, back and forth praying to God to help me,. I turned on my Ipod and the song playing was Rebel Yell and the first lyrics I heard were “I walked the ward with you babe a million times for you”. Just those few lyrics honestly kept me sane at that moment, and like the addict I was I kept listening to that song over and over. It was something in those lyrics that I had heard a million times before that really hit home with me. I had always been a big fan of Billy Idol but after that I became a super fan lol…

.Now getting back to addiction, have you ever been in a crowded room full of people yet feel totally alone, like everyone else is free from the chains that hold you down?  I do not understand this I hate loneliness, the unworthiness I feel about myself. No doubt I have lost all the self-esteem that I once possessed and I have wasted too many years living in a world of depression and addiction. With each passing year it gets harder for me and I have a living witness to what Xanax addiction turns you into when you are elderly…who you ask? Yep Mom, good old Mom who watched me suffer without any meds, crying and begging her for help, only to watch her walk away from me. It is horrible that my own mom would sit by and watch an ambulance take me away when she could have helped me. I know I need to break free from this cycle with her then my conscience kicks my ass and says she is your mother, you don’t want to have any regrets by not staying by her side, until she is gone! This is the core of my addiction problem and having support to get through it is nonexistent for me, Welcome to my world of nothingness, loneliness, and hopelessness. I will keep on fighting but I will never say I cannot be broken ever again. I used to say this all the time, trying to the tough guy (gal) lol, then it all came crashing in on me and I knew I was broken, it was like I was daring fate to break me down and fate won. Please keep in touch and I will appoint you as my support system by reading your posts and realizing I am not alone :-)

 
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